I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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