I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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