I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
