Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Randomize
