final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
