i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
