I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
