We named our party play list daddy issues
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
