Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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