it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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