I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
