Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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