four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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