I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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