ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
