I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
