Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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