My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
