I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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