did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize