You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She's the barista slut.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
