Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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