his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize