I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
