I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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