looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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