On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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