I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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