im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
