My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
