Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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