i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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