Ketchup is God's man juice
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
