Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
