i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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