god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
