pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
