All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
