Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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