you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
