Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
