I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
