My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
