So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
