Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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