please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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