me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
