i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
