My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Randomize
