wrigley field is MILF paradise
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
