please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
its not stalking. its research.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize