Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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