I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
