i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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