if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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