i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
