Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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