Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
