If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
