So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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