last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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