You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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