that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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