The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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