I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
