soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
